After 75 years of success and failure, I thought I had figured out how Life works. Man was I wrong.

In the 75 years that I have walked the earth, I have met people who liked me and those who did not.  Nothing new here.  I learned that not everyone will like you.  Some folks will dislike you even before they get to know you.  However, I have an open mind and I wait until I get to know a person before I judge their worth as a friend or as a person,  Over the span of my lifetime, I consider myself fortunate to have the great friends that I have because they always were there for me when I needed them.  A friend in need is a friend indeed.  

I was happy with the way my life was going and thought that because I had reached my 75th year I would skate over the finish line when the Grim Reaper came to call.  That was a fucking mistake, let me tell you. 

I never saw what was coming into my life on October 1, 2019, when a new resident checked into the nursing home and completely swept me off my feet.  He is 55 which makes him 20 years younger than me.   His name is Gene and I never fell in love with a man as quickly as I fell for him. We are both gay and are the only gay residents in the home. At first I thought that we would be best friends because of that bond of being gay. WRONG. He is always cordial to me but he has formed best friend status with two other residents. When he is socializing, he spends his time with them. I get to be with him only when they are around. We do have meals together but that’s only because his two friends are quarantined due to COVID-19. I can’t begin to tell you how hopeless and depressed I feel. I want something that I can’t have and have to watch as he enjoys himself with his friends.

I’m old man and should be ashamed of myself for feeling as I do. I act like an immature teenager. I should be happy when they invite me to play dominoes and other games during social hours throughout the day. I like his 2 friends, one of which is my best friend, and we always have a good time when we are together. I need to start being thankful for the good and let the other crap alone. I can do it. I will do it.

I love Gene and I would do anything for him.  I want to share my life with him, but I realize he does not want this.  I wish that he would spend time with me and that I could be a friend that he loved in the way he loves the other two residents.  That, however, will never happen.   He comes to my room only when one of the other guys is there.  He stays as long as they are there and leaves when they do.  He is not being mean; he just doesn’t think of me in the special way that I think of him.  I don’t think he is even aware that I feel this way.  But I can’t help it. I do and I always will. 

I sound like a cry baby and I wish I could accept his rejection and deal with it.   I’m afraid that the way I’ll deal is to shut myself in my room and be by myself.  If I can’t cope, I’ll move to another home.  I have nothing but love and respect for this man.  He is one of the bravest and strongest persons I have ever met.  I will love him for the rest of my life and will long for a time that we could be together.   A time that will never come.